It was, in a way, a fitting farewell to China. Since I had an early morning flight, I had decided to stay at a hotel near the airport. In order to save money, I took the airport bus out to the airport and then took a cab from the airport to the hotel, which cost me a grand total of 12 rmb. Not bad. I had planned on letting the cab driver keep the remainder of the 20 I handed her, but was a little concerned that she didn’t even attempt to hand any change back to me. I was reminded of the cab driver who tried to slow count me when I first arrived. I checked out with only a sleight problem when the manager had to be called in to figure out how to take the deposit charge off of my credit card. This took a good fifteen minutes. But I had gone down early and I still had plenty of time to get out to the airport. There were two cabs waiting outside. The concierge put my back into the trunk and told the driver where I wanted to go. He said it would be fifty kuai. That was four times the rate I had paid going to the airport. Even by Chinese standards, that seemed a bit ridiculous and I began to object. Sure I realized it was early and the guy had to compensated for arriving at this ungodly hour. But still. When I started arguing with the cab driver and even counteroffered thirty kuai (and was willing to accept 40) the concierge said to hold on a minute.He went inside to get the manager, but time was wasting. I simply did not have the time for a protacted argument on this. Besides, my bag was in the trunk. That was the biggest mistake. If I had not put my bag in the trunk I could have jumped out of the cab with all my belongings and doubtless the driver would have capitulated to a reasonable price. But as it was, any attempt to spring out of the car would be a futile gesture, since I could go nowhere so long as my bag was locked in his trunk. I felt I had been outmaneuvered in a chess match and so, as one does in such situation, I simply resigned, and resigned myself to getting ripped off.

 

But it wasn’t over. When I paid him at the airport he objected to the denominations I paid him in, since I used a lot of small bills. This is the last of my money, I said (or at least that’s what I intended to say). I am leaving China and spent everything. You have it all. With that he laughed and nodded his assent. The trunk was opened. I was free to leave the cab. And China

 

 

An interesting interview with a 27 y.o., woman I had contacted through Chinese Love Match. She is small, around 5’1, and her Dorothy Hamill haircut makes her appear even smaller.It is important to get all perspectives, most especially, perhaps, that of the younger generation. Zhang arrived promptly and looked exactly like her picture, except that her hair was dramatically shorter. I began with the question ‘why did you join this website?’ A cute 27 yo would not seem to need the help of a dating site to meet people. Was she just looking for foreign friends, or a serious relationship? “Friend first,” she began. “But if a relationship develops, that’s fine as well.” 

 

She points out that she and her friends who are busy with work rarely have time to meet folks outside of a small circle of colleagues and co-workers, and that the web site offers one way to do so.I notice that her description of her idea partner says: “Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them.” And then she mentions the one term I have heard every Chinese woman I have ever met talk about.  “Yuanfen” is not easy to translate. The rough meaning is fate, but it is fate in particular applied to romantic relationships (and to friendship as well). It is a belief that fate plays a large role in who you end up with. It is a concept I find fascinating because it runs counter to the Western view of love, which is, as websites like eharmony and match.com demonstrate, an attempt to reduce matchmaking to a science by crossing interests, history, background, etc. And there is a lot to all this, as one can surmise from the popularity of these websites. But the Chinese recognize not only is there more to finding the right person than this; but in fact these sorts of attempts to reduce matchmaking to a science can get in the way of fate. I ask Melanie (her English name) what she means by “yuanfen.” “I have to meet the right person and the right time in the right place. He is the one.”

 

She begins to tell me the story of one of her friends, who is committed to meeting and marrying a Westerner. Stella is her English name and she is the same age as Melanie. Stella has a rule to stay with a guy about three months. She will start a cycle by going to a bar and picking up a guy and taking him home. Sometime that’s it and sometimes a relationship starts up. But if the relationship starts, she only allows it to go for three months and then she moves on. I take it the logic is that at some point it will go longer and this will be the one.

 

I ask about Stella’s preference for foreigners and whether Melanie shares it.. According to Stella, Chinese guys cannot accept a woman’s independence. If they go out for dinner the guy will insist on paying and not even consider a woman’s offer. Generally, they frown upon a woman’s attempts at independence. Second, Stella says that in general foreigners will make more money than Chinese men and that his is a factor as well. Finally, according to Stella the Chinese boys are immature. The word she uses is “bu cheng shi” or not “cheng shi”. “Cheng shi” is one of the characteristics that appears again and again on the women on Chinese Love Match’s list of ideal partner traits.  A rough definition is “mature.” Stella’s point is that because most of these Chinese men were single children they were doted upon and never really to fight for things and so lack the development that comes from self-assertion. “They are like babies,” is how she puts it (according to Melainie). I ask Melanie if she agrees with Stella’s assertion and she says, yes, for the most part she does.

Second half of description of Chinese women from website chineselovematch
The importance of family is paramount to a Chinese girl, and if you marry her you become family, at which time thousands of years of a tradition of taking care of her man will kick into high gear. A China girl adapts well to new cultures, surroundings and people so chances are good that your new Chinese lady will fit in with your family and friends and take well to your home country. Chinese singles actually appreciate Western Men (unlike most Western Women). They appreciate that we treat them with the same politeness and respect that they treat us, something they do not often receive from Chinese men. Chinese women love that they get to be equal partners in their relationships with Western Men as opposed to being little more than slaves in their accustomed relationships, and they make great life mates if given the opportunity

Comments:

1. “The importance of family is paramount to a Chinese girl.” I think no truer words have been spoken in this description, or perhaps ever, at least since Custer uttered, “I think we’re in a bit of trouble here.” It is not possible to overestimate the role that family plays in the Chinese woman’s worldview. It is the center around which all things rotate. Of course, I generalize here, but this one is more true than most generalizations (which generally speaking have more than a grain of truth in them). This, however, can be a double-edged sword. For the Chinese woman feels a tremendous obligation beyond what is imaginable to most Americans to take care of her own family. So you must recognize that unless her parents are already dead, or moved to Cleveland, this will be a paramount value for her.
2. “A China girl adapts well to new cultures.” This statement strikes me as false as the previous statement is true. To begin, who really adapts well to another culture. The thing is, with Chinese culture you are talking about a 5,000 y.o. tradition that grips deep into the soul, and is not easily, or ever, left behind. Nor, of course, should it be. I have stories of a few friends and acquaintances who have married Chinese women. I don’t think “adapt easily” is a word I have ever heard used in this context. The thing that I think surprises most American men—and I have read a few stories on the website—is their discovery that most Chinese girls do not want to leave China. It is a sort of hubris that imagines that America is the desired goal of all human beings. But the fact is, that it is not, and certainly not the promised land of many Chinese women, who are perfectly happy to stay in the land they were born in. On the truth meter, this claim ranks pretty low.
3. Chinese women “appreciate that we treat them with the same politeness and respect that they treat us.” Again, I want to be sure to point out I am only going on anecdotal evidence. But if the foreign male has any advantage, if there is one main reason Chinese women seek out foreigners, it is this. Western men in general—and thanks in no small part to the woman’s liberation movement—treat women with respect. There seems to be a perfect fit here: Western man, weary of the forceful and aggressive nature of many American women, are in search of a mate who embodies the more “traditional” role of caring and nurturing mate that the Chinese women by their nature embody. The Chinese spouse is in general expected as a matter of course to perform the functions of housekeeping and child-rearing without this being acknowledged as in any way a significant contribution. There is even a term—huang lian po or yellow-faced wife—to describe the effect of women who have born worn thin by their role as housewives. For a primer on Chinese women read Xinran’s The Good Women of China, which details the first radio call in show for women after the Cultural Revlolution. Certainly, the times-they-are-a-changin’. But not as fast as you might think. And not necessarily for the good, either, as mistresses seem to be the Chinese man’s ipod.

I would be interested in hearing responses (you know who you are)

From Chineselovematch.net

Notes from “Description of Chinese women” an CLC

A China girl is generally physically attractive, usually slender, often petite, rarely obese, and tends towards being graceful and delicate. She considers physical attractiveness in herself to be important and goes to great lengths to be as beautiful as possible at all times (in other words “A woman of China takes care of herself!”). Chinese girls are fun to be with – they take great joy out of small things, and they love to laugh. China girls are caring, polite and usually very gentle and charming. In China marriage is very important and once a Chinese woman commits to her partner she does so for life; it will take a great apocalyptic wrong by her partner to dissuade her from that commitment. A Chinese female lifemate is just that, committed for life. Chinese ladies are incredibly loyal, especially if that loyalty is reciprocated.

The importance of family is paramount to a Chinese girl, and if you marry her you become family, at which time thousands of years of a tradition of taking care of her man will kick into high gear. A China girl adapts well to new cultures, surroundings and people so chances are good that your new Chinese lady will fit in with your family and friends and take well to your home country. Chinese singles actually appreciate Western Men (unlike most Western Women). They appreciate that we treat them with the same politeness and respect that they treat us, something they do not often receive from Chinese men. Chinese women love that they get to be equal partners in their relationships with Western Men as opposed to being little more than slaves in their accustomed relationships, and they make great life mates if given the opportunity.

 

1. The first couple of sentences regarding the slenderness of Chinese women is for the most part true. Indeed, one of the first questions anyone visiting China receives is: “why are Americans so fat.” That said, as the standard of living here goes up, so does the average weight.
2. The related claim that “A Chinese woman takes care of herself” is probably intended to contrast with the feeling many American men have that American women
3. A Chinese woman is “caring, polite, gentle and charming.” I would say there is a surface truth to this. But there is also an underlying, well, I wouldn’t say cruelty or viciousnsess. But an underlying something. Certainly an undercurrent to this surface appearance, as might be expected given the whole yin/yang element of Chinese culture (or as the Chinese say, there are two sides to every coin). I recently heard a Chinese woman at a barbecue joke with her noticeably older American fiancée that they would cook him on the grill but his meat was too old and would be too tough. This may be funny. But it really isn’t. So all I would say is be wary of the surface appearance. Chinese women are not inherently nicer than any other women
4. Marriage is important and a Chinese woman, outside of apocalyptic wrong, commits herself for life. For the most part true, I would say. Although the divorce rate here is rising it is miniscule compared to America. And most of the divorces that do occur are the result of Chinese men dumping their wives. The only case I have heard of it being the other way around was a woman who left her husband because of his gambling problem. And then it was made very clear to me that it was not the gambling that was the problem but that there were threats to the family. So, yes, I think Chinese women do take marriage more seriously

 

 

 

An interesting conversation about the web site chineselovematch.net with a waitress at the Chengdu Hooters (Yes, Elizabeth, there is a Chengdu Hooters). I had ordered breakfast and was reading over  some of the ads I had saved on my netbook, trying to work on my Chinese. She peered at the netbook, saw the hanzi and asked what I was doing. I explained my project to try to understand and perhaps explain Chinese women to American men by means of an article based on my experiences with the website.

I start by asking her if she knows about this website. At first she says no, but then she replies that in fact her aunt met someone on this website, an American doctor. This was all the more amazing because the woman spoke no English. I am reminded of Sandy’s story, about her friend who more or less taught herself English in order to find an American to marry. In both cases—and in many of those on the website CLM—the women are divorced. And S. tells me no Chinese man wants to marry a divorced woman.

As a side note, she adds (and I have heard this from my students) no Chinese wants to marry someone who is not a virgin. This has resulted in a whole industry in restoring virgin hood. This is interesting because I had just finished a novel by Yu Hua called brothers, and one plot in the movie involves a man who is holding a China virgin contest, seeking to find the most beautiful virgin in China. But most of the women who enter are not virgins but instead have had their virginity restored by operations. S. informs me there are six places in Chengdu that specialize in this sort of operation. Medically ignorant me, I have to google “restore virginity” in order to realize this sort of thing really does go on. Of course (it goes without saying) the men themselves are not virgins.

This leads us to a discussion of Chinese men, who it turns out S. does not have a particularly high opinion of. She talks about how every man wants to be a government official at some level even more than a businessman, because a government official wields power. And the first thing someone does, she says, when they get power is to get a mistress. If you don’t, your friends laugh at you. The men expect women to do all the housework, childcare, etc., and are not at all grateful. There is even a term to describe woman who are worn out by housework: huang lian po or yellow faced wife, a wife whose skin is made sallow by overwork. This, she says, is what many Chinese women envy about American women: they do not stand for this sort of mistreatment.  I point out that this may be why there are many Chinese women on this web site. Perhaps, she says, although she makes it clear that neither her nor anyone she knows she knows would even think about using this site. When all else fails, the method of last resort is to for the parent to put together a blind date. In America, I tell the method of last resort is the internet, and I show her the website e-harmony and explain its incredible popularity in America.

 At one point (think it was earlier in the conversation), I asked what do Chinese people believe in. I had been talking about Buddhism and the temples I had been to and brought up Confucianism as well. Without batting an eye, she says, “money.” She herself believes in retribution, payback is the word she uses, for all those selfish men who treat women like shit and corrupt officials who cheat. She has both seen and read about, corrupt public officials (almost seems a redundancy) getting their comeuppance, and she believes in this as much as your standard Catholic believes in purgatory

But back to S’s aunt. S. tells me what the husband liked about her was that she was gentle, and this leads me to speculate why American men are seeking foreign women. I say I think it is because American women have lost touch with what it means to be a woman. Chinese women understand the whole yin/yang thing. They realize they have a separate nature and a separate power. S. agrees and tells me that gentle water can wear away the hardest rock, and that this gentleness is the power of woman. I say I think many American men find that attractive, the notion of being able to find repose in a woman and not necessarily have to compete all the time.

Finally, we talk about yuan fen. This term has come up with every Chinese woman I have talked to about love.  It is roughly akin to a belief in fate when it comes to romantic matters, and S believes in it as much as she believes in retribution.

A few days ago I noticed something was different. When I put a search term into google, a page with a substantial amount of Chinese on it turned up. Which is probably good, because I should practice my Chinese. But the new google is also less efficient, I've noticed. The same search that used to get me to the Lonely Planet Thorntree Nepal page, now takes an extra click to do so. Hardly a drawback, I admit. But it does seem a few more sites are blocked, although I could be mistaken about this.In any case, the page certainly looks a lot less elegant.

The reason behind all this is that now Google has moved its operations to Hong Kong. So it is still being flitered, but now it is the Chinese doing the filtering and not Google. James Fallows had excerpts from and interview with someone at Google (forgot whom). And he asked a question which I think I even blogged about when this whole flare up began, namely, that if the issue that caused Google to pull out was hacking, why were they couching their justification in terms of freedom of expression. What does the one have to do with the other. Here is at lest a semi-coherent--but still, I would argue, logically flawed resoons:

That was distasteful to us. It seemed to us that this was all part of an overall system bent on suppressing expression, whether it was by controlling internet search results or trying to surveil activists. It is all part of the same repressive program, from our point of view. We felt that we were being part of that. 

That was the direct connection with the hacking incident. It wasn't in isolation. Since the Beijing Olympics, our experience in China has gotten worse. Although we have gained market share, it has become more and more difficult for us to operate there. Particularly when it comes to censorship. We have had to censor more. More and more pressure has been put on us. It has gotten appreciably worse -- and not just for us, for other internet companies too. 

So we increasingly came to feel that the original premise of our entry into China was being undermined. We thought when we went in that we could help to open the country  and things could get better by our being there. Things seemed to be getting worse

Are Chinese women different?  They are, at least according to chineselovematch.com, which I have been dabbling into lately.   According to this website, a Chinese woman “turns dreams into reality.” As well “a Chinese woman loves for life.” I have my own opinions about this, having served in the Peace Corps for two years, and not only taught but dated Chinese women. I am interested in this from a sociological perspective. It is interesting to note the descriptions the women write on the web page. Many of these are in Chinese, and it is these that I think are particularly authentic.

 

What is interesting is the similarity of their descriptions of their ideal mate. I just do not think you would get the similarity across the board in America. The two most common traits are “chengshu” (mature) and “wenzhong” (steady). Also leading the list is “youzeren (having responsibility) and “shanliang” (honest).

 

 

As for themselves, one of the women summed the substance of many up very nicely with one sentenced. I am a traditional Chinese woman (chuantong de zhongguo nuren). What does that mean? Ai jia (love family), ai haizi (love children), xiwang neng zhao dao yi ge zhen Xinxiang ai de ren (hope to find a sincere man for mutual love.

It was one of those times you actually know you are in China. I had just come out of a wanshang sanbu (evening stroll) at a garden area conveniently located near the east gate of Sichuan University. As I left the relative peace of the secluded garden and became overwhelmed by the sound of traffic, I could hear in the distance some music. As I walked towards the music, I could see a group of about 100-150 people lined up in rows and doing a sort of coordinated movement. They were being led by a woman on a rasied platform who was doing a set routine. The moves looked rather fundamental: step one, step two clap, repeat in the other direction. So I joined in. You see this sort of movement activity among elderly women, but this was a mostly middle aged group and though it contained mostly women, there were a few men in it two. Gradually, the movements became more complicated, for example, having to move your arms in the opposite direction of your legs, and some were downright strenuous, such as having to do squats. After about a half hour I had worked up a good sweat. It was a total body workout, no doubt about it, and if you did this every night for a month, you would be in excellent shap. I was getting ready to go when a woman approached me and said it was 20 RMB. I thought maybe this was a free activity but it makes sense they would charge. She said as well this would be going on every night. I will definitely return.

S. was my supervisor when I was at the Peace Corps. I had a chance to have lunch with her today. She began by talking about the housing crisis in China. She could have been describing the situation in the United States before the crash. Housing prices are skyrocketing to where normal people cannot afford a place. But more and more speculation is occurring and more and more building. It can lead to no good, she says.

 

 

We talked about a recent Chinese television series, Snail House (wo ju), which was immensely popular on Chinese television. I had heard the time mentioned on CCTV 9, where it was used to describe the housing situation of many in the big city. I asked Sandy if she knew about the show and she said of course.

The basic plot summary of this 35 episode drama can be stated:

The 35-episode series follows the trials of two sisters struggling to buy affordable apartments in a big city, where house prices have soared way beyond what most people can afford.

In the drama, Hai Ping is a hard working office worker who dreams of owning an apartment, while her husband doesn't make much money. Hai Ping's younger sister Hai Zao becomes the mistress of a government official in order to help pay her older sister's first down payment

 

She opined that people need to slow down and not want so much. They need to scale back their expectations. We both expressed a preference for Northern European countries with a large safety net. This is where people seemed to be happiest. If she could, she would move there.

http://english.cri.cn/7146/2009/11/30/2161s532497.htm

Going with the theme of the entries written from China, I would like to draw on personal experience. Tonight I had a strange one. I went to a travel writing workshop at the Bookworm Literary Festival. The event was led by a guy who has written about a half dozen major guide books for one of the major guide book publishers in the world. There were three Chinese people in the audience, and they each asked questions that were at least inappropriate and I think you could even say offensive questions.

One young girl essentially told him his advice in the book about seeing the Great Wall was incomplete and needed to be supplmented,  (he has been coming to China for 25 years); another asked how he can write about Chinese festivals when he barely speaks the language (he actually speaks it but in a very basic way, but was rather self-deprecating about his language ability); a third guy presumed to correct a piece of actual information, telling him his book is “mostly accurate.”

 

The thing is, that I have seen this sort of thing before and experienced it first hand but don't quite know how to describe. It was a real attempt to take him down. Even a Chinese would have to admit it was an attempt to have the writer lose face. I mean, how to embarrass a guidebook writer more than to say he has passed on bad information. If you want to correct the information, why not do this in private in a face-saving manner?

 

Here is the contradiction. The Chinese are supposed to be very sensitive to face but these were clearly efforts to blatantly have someone lose face. And these were not isolated incidents. As I said, I have seen this show before.

 

I am truly preplexed by this. 很奇怪.